RM actually means Rediscover Music (Or, "Far More Than You'd Ever Like To Know About The Music I Like")

Intro stuff which you can skip:

Lots of people in Utah have very strong musical backgrounds, learning piano from a young age, playing other instruments in band and orchestra, and so forth. I consider myself to have a strong musical background. However, when I went on a mission, my mission rules regarding music were very strict. I was limited, for the most part, to Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That's fine for missionaries. I'm not saying there's something wrong with that. However, when I got back from my mission, my pool of listenable music had stagnated, and I didn't have time to participate in the producing side of music (band, piano lessons, etc) so the musical part of me started to die a little.

Luckily I made good friends with a music connoisseur who showed me a lot of cool, new indie music that I could start enjoying. Also luckily, on Spotify you can listen to essentially any music out there for the low, low price of listening to extremely obnoxious 30-second to 1-minute ads between every 3rd or 4th song. Or $10 a month ($5 for students). I have received two requests to make a list of the music I like, so here it is.

I've tried to stick with A) bands that I feel are unique to me, because even though I like a lot of popular songs, you can hear about them on the radio or anywhere else, and B) bands who I listen to, rather than individual songs. Not that there's anything wrong with liking individual songs, just that there's a special connection you feel with a band when you are an actual fan of them and not just one little thing they did one time.

I'd also like to note that this list is sorted in relative order of my favoritism, that is, the ones I like the most are at the top. So don't feel obligated to scroll all the way down to the bottom. This isn't one of those "9 foods that will kill you" clickbait articles that count DOWN and that you have to click through every single thing, to the infuriation of everyone involved.

Oh, and sorry I don't provide any links to actually listen to the music. It would just take too long, and it's quite easy and often legal to look them up on Spotify (always legal) or YouTube (sketchier).

Music (don't skip):

There is one band that I feel a special loyalty to. Perhaps it's because of how underrated they are. Perhaps it's because I first started listening to them way back in high school, before I listened to any music other than classical or trumpet music. But I like to think it's because their music actually has value. Here it is, folks, my "favorite" band:

They Might Be Giants

This band is just plain weird. They're strange. Nothing about them is normal. Their lyrics are weird, cryptic, and geeky. The tone of voice they sing in is nasally. Their instrumentation is uncommon. Their topics are eclectic. All of those things perfectly explain why I like them so much. A few of their quintessential songs:

• Birdhouse in your Soul
• Particle Man
• Why does the Sun Shine? (The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas)
• Ana Ng
• The Mesopotamians

I'm also a huge fan of the entire album "The Else," including the cover art:

What did I tell you? Weird.

And with that we'll move on to my second "favorite" band, which I have only been in a committed relationship with for about three months:

Death Cab For Cutie 

The first thing you should probably realize about this band, which you might guess from their name, is that basically every one of their songs is sad. And not just "my girlfriend broke up with me, waah" but deeply despairing about life. When I was showing my music to my music connoisseur friend, I realized that I had no "real" music, that is, none that expressed true emotions. I used music to hide my emotions. All of my music was either A) intense and angry (see Dream Theater, below) B) silly and somewhat intellectually stimulating (see They Might Be Giants, above, and The Aquabats and LCD Soundsystem, below). I had a lot of pent-up, hidden emotions, such as sadness, and I was missing the chance to confront and deal with them through music. Death Cab helped bring me out of denial and into the glorious, sunlit uplands of freedom of expression.

Over time, the musicians of Death Cab have honed their skills, including songwriting skills. Out of their eight studio albums currently out, I like best their last two, which are Codes and Keys:

and Narrow Stairs:

Note: all images blatantly ripped off a Google Images search without permission from any original posters.

To me, Death Cab's music demonstrates how you can live with, and even express, negative emotions like anxiety or depression, and still have a productive, fulfilling existence. (See this earlier post for why that's meaningful to me.) 

Here are some of my favorite songs by them:

• Grapevine Fires
• President of What?
• Monday Morning
• A Movie Script Ending
• What Sarah Said
• Title and Registration
• Different Names for the Same Thing
• Crooked Teeth
• Doors Unlocked and Open
• You are a Tourist
• Bixby Canyon Bridge
• Some Boys
• Cath...

... and many others.

I am also a huge fan of electronic music. I have divided my electronic listening music into two different categories, lyrical electronic music that is more similar to indie music (Death Cab is a good example of indie music), and techno music, which is more repetitive and which I like to have more as background music to homework or driving or working or even just thinking.

Lyrical Electronic Music:

The Postal Service 

The Postal Service (who were sent a cease and desist letter from the actual United States Postal Service because of their name) is basically the electronic version of Death Cab. The lead singer from Death Cab, Ben Gibbard, is one of two and a half lead singers in the Postal Service, and their musical style and emotions present are very similar. Check out:

• Such Great Heights
• Clark Gable
• Sleeping In

Plushgun

This is an obscure indie techno group discovered by my friend Maddie (the music connoisseur previously mentioned). They're weird but awesome. Check out:

• How We Roll
• I Like It
• Waste Away
• Kick Me Out

Two Door Cinema Club

This group has an upbeat, almost defiant feeling to them best illustrated by the name of a few of their songs, "Sleeping Alone" and "Eat That Up Its Good For You" [sic]. Have a gander at:

• Changing of the Seasons
• Beacon

... and anything else from any of their albums. 

More Techno-y Stuff:

Daft Punk

I am a big fan of their early album "Discovery." Their early music was pure digitized happiness. Recently it seems they've sold out a bit more and become a lot more pop-y. Check out:

• Their album "Discovery"
• Some of the videos people have made to "Harder Faster Better Stronger," like this one
• One More Time
• Aerodynamic - a cool techno-y guitar solo in the middle!
• Digital Love - a story about a dream he had about a girl - with techno stuff in the background!
• Harder Faster Better Stronger
• Nightvision
• Superheroes
• Something About Us - an electronic robot-sounding love song!
• Voyager
• Veridis Quo - a cool classical-sounding organ song that gets a techno beat!
• Face to Face
• Too Long

... aaand yes, I did just name off the entire contents of the album "Discovery." (minus the two songs on it that I don't like.) Seriously, check it out. 

Capital Cities

These guys are famous for the song "Safe and Sound." They have a good sense of humor. Also check out:

• Kangaroo Court
• I Sold My Bed, but Not My Stereo
• Sarah Fawcett Hair

LCD Soundsystem

This guy has a great sense of humor. Also, this is one thing I disagree with Maddie on, but I really like it sometimes when people just speak with music in the background, kind of like rapping. This guy does it a lot. Check out:

• Losing My Edge
• Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
• Disco Infiltrator

Glitch Mob

Their sound is a bit more serious. Check out "We Can Make the World Stop." They also have cool album art: 

I have no idea what it means, but what could be cooler than a samurai helmet with a sweet golden crown and smoke instead of a face?

More Indie Pop/Rock Music: 

Jukebox the Ghost

This band is pretty awesome too. I'm sad they couldn't make it earlier on the list, because they really deserve more devotion than a position this far down on the page symbolizes. Jukebox the Ghost has been playing music for over ten years and they're just now starting to become relatively successful. Thus they are a good example of musical survivorship, which is totally necessary in the music industry. Most bands and musicians have been around for a long time before they hit it big. Jukebox started off playing music with each other in college, and their music from that era was pretty weird and not as skilled. Over time they improved in quality and decreased in weirdness, slowly becoming more mainstream. Of their four albums that are out, I find their 2nd and 3rd to be the perfect mix of weirdness and skill, although their 4th (newest) has good songs too.

I'm actually going to their concert this Saturday. I'm excited to see what music they'll play, and what proportions of older and newer music, because their style has changed quite a bit over the years. Do yourself a favor and give a listen to:

• Somebody
• At Last
• Half Crazy
• The Stars
• The Popular Thing
• The Spiritual
• Made for Ending
• Long Way Home

Vampire Weekend

This is another great, weird band. They're very melodic, which I love-- every song has its own unique theme, which is usually played by some synthesized combination of violins, flutes, drums, marinaras, and other things. Actually, marinaras aren't an instrument (I was just testing you. Also, it's 2 am). I suggest especially:

• Ya Hey
• Horchata
• Holiday
• Step
• M79
• Campus
• I Stand Corrected

They're also cool and hipster-looking and I can imagine the lead singer (2nd from the right) sneaking in my window at night and biting my roommates in the neck (I'm too big of a fan for them to use me as food):

MisterWives

The girl that sings lead has an amazing voice. They do a cover of Riptide which I like better than the original. Their other songs I really like are Reflections and Vagabond. Unfortunately they only have one EP (short album) out right now, but I'm looking forward to their new album "Our Own House" coming out later this year. 

Bad Suns

This band is almost more classic rock than truly indie, but they are new enough (their only album came out in 2014) that the true fans of classic rock would probably stone me (like with stones, not with drugs) if I called them classic rock. But my uncle said they have a distinct late-80's sound. Check out:

• Their entire album, "Language and Perspective"! It's all wonderful! (except the song "Dancing on Quicksand" actually says the f-word about 9 times ... but discretely enough that I didn't even notice it at all until the 4th or 5th time I listened to it.)

New Politics 

I went to their concert so I figured I'd mention them, although the best part of the concert was discovering the band Bad Suns (above). Their songs I like are:

• Harlem
• Berlin
• Dignity
• Overcome
• Just Like Me (over-the-top rap)

Now for another great category: 

Intense And Sometimes Headbanging Music

There are just 2 bands I'll talk about in this section:

Dream Theater

This band is good enough that if I had thought this through better, they would have made it at the very top as my 3rd "favorite" band. But their music is so crazy hardcore that I can't listen to them for more than a few songs a day on average. Dream Theater is the only metal I listen to with any regularity. Their songwriting is magical, though; they perfectly exemplify the genre of "progressive rock," which is the movement of musicians in rock back to classical, skilled roots. They met at Berklee School of Music, for goodness' sake. Their current keyboardist was accepted to Julliard but didn't go, instead working on his progressive metal keyboarding skills. Their guitarist If you can handle the intensity (which you probably can, it's just a bit of a shock at first, or at least it was to me:)

• On the Backs of Angels (good for those times when you just bombed a test and need to punch-dance out some rage)
• Dance of Eternity: Scene Seven (this is part of the concept album "Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory," which tells a huge, epic story ... look it up here. Wikipedia says, "In the late July 2012, Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory was voted as the number one all-time progressive rock album in a poll conducted by Rolling Stone." I believe this is worth your time.)
• Behind the Veil -- the chorus of this song is so desparate and pleading that it seems almost like a prayer. Listen to it when you're feeling betrayed and it'll do you wonders. Or if you're like me and don't really get betrayed, just listen to it anyway and apply the wonderfulness to whatever your current situation is.
• Pull Me Under -- had to be mentioned. This is the "Greatest Hit" of their album titled "Greatest Hit [... and 21 other pretty cool songs]".
• Ballads that don't involve heavy guitar distortion or double bass pedals: Beneath the Surface, Far From Heaven, The Answer Lies Within
• A few songs that touch spiritual topics and affirm the existence of God and the afterlife: Along For The Ride, Beyond This Life
• The Bigger Picture -- another inspirational song

Dream Theater also wins the prize for awe-inspiring album art:

Isn't that awesome????? I sure thought so, but most of the people I've shown haven't been thrilled. Please just sit and ponder the above picture for a minute, while listening to "On the Backs of Angels."

Twenty-one Pilots

I have no idea where their band name came from, but I like their music. Especially:

• Johnny Boy
• Air Catcher
• Guns For Hands
• Run and Go
• Semi-Automatic
• House of Gold
• Ode to Sleep
• Migraine -- be warned of a heavier topic (suicide) in this song's lyrics

They're quite emotionally satisfying for me to listen to, especially when I've had a hard day. And they're small enough that they really need your support. 

Miscellaneous

Aquabats

This is the only ska band I know of whose song lyrics and topics are fit for elementary schoolers. Their songs are, in fact, about elementary schoolers. One great song (which I played trumpet for in a band) is about a love song between 3rd (or so) graders. Check out anything on their album "Fury of the Aquabats."

P!nk

I feel slightly less masculine listening to her sing but she's a really good singer so it's worth it. I like her song "Just Give Me A Reason" (sung with Nate Ruess, lead singer of Fun./The Format!) as well as "The Truth About Love." The album "The Truth about Love" has quite a few good songs.

fun.

First of all, Nate Ruess has a pretty amazing voice. Second of all, Jack Antonoff is an awesome guitar player. Third of all, Andrew Dost is great on the piano, and okay on the flugelhorn (he gets major points just for trying). All together, they make great music. Check out the following:

• Some Nights (warning: f-word towards the end)
• Be Calm
• Walking the Dog
• It Gets Better
• All Alright
• The Gambler
• C'mon (sung in conjunction with Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco)

Panic! at the Disco

I really just like his one album "Vices and Virtues." It seems to be the cleanest. I'm trying to learn "Always" on the guitar.

Single songs I like 

Interpol: "Obstacle 1". Listen to this song when you're having a hard time. I realize I say that about a lot of songs. Actually my advice would me to just listen to music in general when you're having a hard time. But definitely don't listen to this song when you're having a good time because it will cheer you down (or whatever the opposite of "cheer you up" is).

Cold War Kids: "Hospital Beds." Or really any of their other songs, because they pretty much all sound almost the same. But you should find one song of theirs and listen to it. The lead singer has quite an interesting, good voice.

The Strokes: "Reptilia." This song has some really cool guitar licks.

And there you have it: exactly eighteen times more than you ever wanted to know about the music I like. Even if no one starts listening to these bands, though, this post was a lot of fun to write. In summary, the music I like is: They Might Be Giants, Death Cab For Cutie, Jukebox the Ghost, Daft Punk, Vampire Weekend, Bad Suns, Dream Theater, and Twenty One Pilots. Or according to Spotify's "My Year In Music" app:

Considerate Collegestudent and his nemesis, Judgmental Jan

Early on in my mission, I felt pretty lost and overwhelmed, and I was frustrated that I felt like I had to guess how to handle each situation. I really looked up to the older missionaries who seemed to know just exactly how to handle difficult investigators. However, when I got to be companions with these missionaries and see them up close, and also when I became an older missionary myself and realized I had just as much experience as they did, I was disappointed to discover that they were still guessing at what to do a lot of the time.

One day this last October, when the leaves on the trees were colorful and the temperature was just right, I sat down on a bench in front of the ASB, looking out at campus, to ponder why in the world I tended to like people less the better I got to know them.

Me sitting and pondering

To me, this seemed to be a problem that, if unchecked, threatened to chip away at most every relationship in my life. I lacked a fundamental respect that it seemed each person ought to deserve just for being a person. After some minutes of introspection, I realized that when I first met a person, if I had a good first impression of them, it was because I tended to idealize them, seeing only the concept they seemed to embody. I failed to realize that they were real people too, with real weaknesses and real mistakes and real flaws.

It turns out that everybody is flawed. In writing, in film, and in performances, authors show a polished version of themselves. I was foolish enough to believe that was the real them. Some people who have worked and focused on one thing can develop that quality, skill, or ability, to be sure--enough that often, at first glance from an observer without such specialty, seems like perfection. A Ph.D. professor, a professional writer, a motivational speaker, a comedian, and many, many musicians, are a few people who have impressed me that way. The examples go on and on. I become aware of such people daily, whether meeting one in person and conversing, or reading their writing, or enjoying their music or joke track or food or even hearing about how calmly and collectedly they acted in a heated situation. However, each of these people, and each of us, are still fundamentally broken. (You probably already know that ... I somehow missed it.) Not one of the 7 billion of us is ideal or even has any perfect qualities, because we are all broken. Not just that we occasionally fall a tiny bit short, but that we constantly fall short.

There are some easy examples: we see in all the tabloids tales of celebrities and rock stars’ miserable home and family lives (although this clip from Wayne’s World presents a different view on a rock star’s outside-the-concert personality than the one we normally get). Einstein himself was so focused on his research that he rather neglected his wife and two sons. And of course people that aren't world-famous have similar challenges, too: the comedian can command resounding laughter when he’s on stage but he may be depressed about his life and unsure that he is fulfilling his life's mission or contributing what he should to the world. The innovative engineer makes bucketloads of money but doubts that his inventions, while lucrative, are truly what the world needs, rather than just what the rich ask for. The amazingly disciplined and organized mother of 9 may wonder if her children could've turned out even more successful if she'd just tried a little harder.

And not just people with attributes we may immediately identify as extraordinary, but normal people, average people, young people, unspectacular people, people who had no opportunities, people who squandered for decades and decades the opportunities they were given.  The RM may wonder if much of his effort was in vain; the college student may doubt his or her major. These people are a bit more obviously flawed. However, they are still inherently valuable. This realization is central to not being judgmental, and it’s the one I struggle perhaps the most with.

From a Church and Gospel standpoint, the clear and most often quoted reason that each person has value is that each person is a son or daughter of God. While this is true, it’s difficult for me to grasp and to apply to real life and real people, and plus, the Church has plenty of material elaborating on it. Therefore, for the rest of this essay I’ll focus on a different reason that each person is valuable, one that is a bit more personal to me.

Earlier I held that people were valuable insomuch as they had perceived potential to change the world. It became a problem for me to respect any person that I saw as "average" or incapable of meaningfully changing the world. Now it is my belief (which I’m still trying to cultivate and remind myself of as often as possible) that every person can and will change the world. 

That day in October, I mentally went through some examples of real people I knew, whose choices of profession I judgmentally thought was dumb, and thought about it further, and realized that each person is valid and will change the world. 

Note: If any of those people are reading this and are offended that I judgmentally thought their chosen profession was dumb, just keep in mind that I judgmentally thought my own chosen profession (computer engineering) was dumb too, so it’s really more a reflection of my judgmentalness than of your chosen profession’s validity. And plus, the whole point of this is that I don’t think it’s dumb anymore. So don’t worry.

I thought of my profession, and my classmates, and how sometimes it seems like the engineering we are training to do won’t do anything to further the world, it’ll just give the rich even sweeter, bigger, and faster iPhones while leaving the poor to rot in their caves, eating dog meat and texting on a flip phone without so much as T9 predictive typing to ease their pain. However, even if it seems like the rich are the only ones with the newest technology, new technology still benefits people at large; the population of the world in general is a lot better off than they were 50 years ago because of computers, radios, cell phones, video streaming, and anything else you can think of. And who’s to say the happiness of the rich doesn’t matter at all? I mean, it’s not the noblest goal I can think of, but it’s not nothing.

I thought of a person I had recently become friends with who is a pre-Journalism major and wants to ultimately write about music. I thought that sounded like a dumb goal but then thinking about it, this one was pretty obviously a good thing, and on top of that, had already impacted me personally. Music has been a huge part of my life for essentially my whole life, but when I got back from my mission, my pool of music to listen to had stagnated. I hadn’t listened to hardly any music for two years, and I wasn’t doing music at school so I didn’t really have friends to recommend me new music. The second time we ever hung out, this friend showed me a bunch of her music, and just like that, I'm back on track enjoying great music all the time. As a music critic, my friend will change the world by helping her readers, like she helped me, (re)discover the world of emotion and expression that is music.

I thought of a guy I met at an end-of-work celebration who seemed obnoxiously judgmental and somewhat defensive of himself; I think I annoyed him just by being myself, which was annoying to me. He’s a social work major and I was further annoyed that he seemed a bit full of himself because of this major. But as I thought about him and what he'll accomplish, I realized that regardless of his personality, America needs more people to help the social system, and he’ll do a lot of good and change the world for the people he helps. 

I tried to think about other people in general and what makes them inherently valuable. The great majority of people will be parents at some point in their lives, and parents change the world quite a bit. By definition, they give life. If they stick around and care about actually raising their kids, they'll help inspire and nurture them, and help them become contributing members of society. 

People who don't have kids or don't get married will have friends and family members to support and help and further. They'll also more than likely have careers or at least some type of job, through which they'll also help others, thus changing the world in some small, yet positive, way.

I'm Jan Bergeson, and I accept myself just as I am, that is, broken. I'm going to change the world. I accept others just the way they are, which is, broken. They're going to change the world too.

Until I can find a way to precisely quantify all the "good" a person has done and will do for others during their lifetime, I have no right to look down on them or think that I'm somehow better. Different, yes, but not better. I'm no better and no worse than any other person. If you're wondering, since sitting down on that bench and pondering this stuff, I've realized that if I think of people as real people, actual people, whose contributions to the world, although small, are positive and meaningful, then I like them and appreciate them. And as I get to know them better, I like them more instead of less. I think that's a victory. (One still in progress, I guess.)

What are your thoughts? How do you refrain from dismissing (judging) people?

What if Sunday School were more like actual school?

Have you ever disagreed with Church leaders? Did that make you feel guilty? Why?

Did You Know----- Joseph Smith encouraged members to argue about politics and theology? Debates among members were very popular at the time. Winners were declared, and participants felt intellectually stimulated and exercised as a result.

What if the Church was like that today? It would be a change, to be sure. It seems that the main purpose of Sunday School and other organizations in the Church today is for correlated validation of our beliefs. This is good, and often needed, but what about when the kids go on missions or have non-member friends and don't know how to respond to disagreement?

What are your thoughts?
1) How do you feel when you disagree with Church leaders?
2) Would you like to see more energetic discussion in your Sunday School classes?
3) If yes, any ideas on how that could happen?

Check out more: 

http://www.wheatandtares.org/15467/would-joseph-smith-have-liked-the-bloggernacle/

P.S. I secretly hope to one day be an actual part of "the Bloggernacle."
Edit: Thanks Justin for the correction, that Joseph Smith didn't actually organize any of the meetings.

A White, Mildly Depressed Mormon RM Unveils His Secrets

This week on Tuesday I went and saw my counselor, Dr. McBride, because I've been feeling a lot more down than usual for the past couple of weeks.

All pictures blatantly stolen. This one's from "drhurd.com," which is a site I have never heard of and have absolutely no affiliation with or (obviously) loyalty to.

Even though I didn't learn anything earth-shattering, it's always helpful to have someone that I could talk to about my feelings when I'm down and can't seem to get back up. I first started seeing Dr. McBride back in April, when my post-mission depression was at its worst. Seeing him was a major part of the turning point I experienced, where my depression started to actually get better instead of worse. (The other parts of this turning point were 1) talking to my parents about it and 2) getting a priesthood blessing. My parents were the ones that set me up with Dr. McBride.)

At that time in April, I took a "depression/anxiety test" thing, in which you rate yourself on severity of a bunch of sympoms; anything under a score of 10 is pretty normal, 20ish is mild depression, 30 is moderate, and over 40 is getting pretty severe. (... I only very roughly remember those numbers so don't quote me on them.) 

Back in April I felt super depressed and scored I think a 21. This week I took the test again and scored a 17. I think that's accurate too, since I'm definitely not feeling near as bad as I was in April, but still bad enough that I need to change something in my life (which I hope to effect by seeing a counselor). 

When I had a girlfriend this last summer, a big mistake I made was always expecting her to completely fix any emotional negativity I might have felt at the moment. Since breaking up with her ~2 months ago, I've learned a number of coping strategies, things I can do on my own when I feel depressed. It is empowering to have these coping strategies, because this way I feel I can control my own emotions and not just expect someone to see that I'm sad and magically fix it. 

I sat down the other day and wrote in my journal some of the things I've done that have been most effective. I thought it might be interesting and perhaps even slightly helpful to someone to share them here. Presented in the order in which they came to mind (so perhaps subconsciously sorted by how well they stick in my mind, or perhaps by how recently I've done them):

1. Going on long solitary walks
2. Going on long walks with friends
3. Distracting myself by watching a movie or TV show (one of my roommates (who is awesome by the way) allows me to use his netflix account, which, by the way, is completely legal, although I totally judged my big brother for using his mother-in-law's netflix account before I found that out)
4. Getting in touch with my feelings, as opposed to sweeping them under the rug (i.e. writing about them, singing about them, listening to music that expresses them, playing music that expresses them)
5. Talking to people specifically about being depressed (i.e. counselor, home teachers, friends; anybody that has suffered from any degree of depression is especially helpful)
6. Getting enough sleep
7. Exercising
8. Playing trumpet/piano/guitar/singing
9. Spending money (movies in the theater, concerts, new clothes, toys, computer games, etc.)
10. Mindfulness Meditation
11. Getting out into nature (Y Mountain is the closest piece of nature to me these days)
12. Getting enough to eat, and staying hydrated

These are all things that I've done over the past 2 months. One of the things I like best about this list is that only two of them absolutely require any other person's involvement: #2 and #5. Some are awesome and easy and effective to use often, at least for me, e.g. #1. Others I try to limit (#9). Many of these are not options on a mission, unfortunately; I think it would be helpful if missionaries who were feeling stressed out were allowed to simply walk around town for a bit outside of proselyting time without talking to anybody and simply relax because that's something that has helped me tremendously now I'm back.

In my admittedly quite limited experience, the most important principles I've seen are to 

1) take responsibility for your own mental and emotional well-being, that is, not blaming it on anyone else (because you can change yourself, but it's really hard to change others) and 

2) find what works for you. If you were to hypothetically tell me that you're suffering from mild depression for the first time in your life and not sure what to do, I would recommend to you A) meeting with a counselor AND (not "or") B) getting a good book on the subject to help you understand the phenomenon in depth. I read When Panic Attacks by David Burns (he also wrote a very popular book called Feeling Good) and felt that reading the book helped me understand the mechanics of what was happening in my mind, whereas meeting with a counselor helped me to feel encouraged and apply the principles to my life. Plus, my counselor was the one that recommended that I get a book like that in the first place.

So lately I've been feeling alright about this whole depression thing. I admittedly don't suffer from very severe depression, just a mild version, so I urge us all to be mindful of people who do. If someone seems offended too easily, or withdrawn, or angry all the time, or unproductive, or lazy, or unfriendly, or self-absorbed, please keep in mind that it could very well be that they're depressed. When I feel that way I am extremely grateful for friends that offer love, attention, and acceptance that is in no way attached to what I achieve.

(Sorry if that last paragraph was preachy.)

Question: What do YOU do when you're stressed or depressed or anxious? What are the factors in your life that seem to affect your emotional state the most drastically? I'm actually really dying to know so if you would comment that would be fantastic.

Mission-feelings, naiveté, returning, adjusting

One week while I was in the MTC, my brother David wrote in a letter to me that "on your mission you'll experience both the highest highs and the lowest lows of your whole life." It's certainly true that the emotional impact of events on missions is amplified because everything that happens has eternal consequences. Along with that, we have very high expectations for behavior, competence, and results, which is hard for everyone, and coupled with my tendency for perfectionism led to a mild version of the mental and emotional health problems we call "stress," "depression," and "anxiety." 

All pictures on this blog blatantly plagiarized from the Interwebs

One of the things that kept me going during hard times on my mission was the hope and expectation that after my mission, my life would be fine and dandy and I would be able to forget about all the bad experiences and remember only the good, spiritual, faith-building ones, which I would detail in Sacrament meeting to the awe of all 17-year-olds present. I totally expected the crazy high and low emotional swings to stop when I got back from my mission, but they didn't. I expected that my life would return to exactly what it was pre-mission, when everything seemed calm and my life seemed simple because I only had a few goals -- live the Gospel, serve a mission, do well in school, and avoid romantic relationships -- and I knew how to accomplish these goals because I felt I had been absolutely nailing them my entire life. 

On the contrary, my life since getting back from my mission has involved taking responsibility for the rest of my life and facing huge life-altering decisions such as what major to choose, and who to try to date and marry, not to mention how to try to carry with me the positive habits I developed on my mission while somehow adjusting to civilian life. The latter carries with it such challenges as how to spend my free time, and how to not feel bad about watching movies and doing other fun things that don't further the cause of God although they certainly further the cause of my happiness and pleasure. Although that could debatably be said to be part of God's cause. Either way it sure is a big change from a mission, where for 725 straight days I knew exactly how much free time I should be spending and exactly what fun things I needed not do. Other post-mission issues for me to deal with included/include adjusting from being a big, successful, Latvian-speaking fish in a small pond of missionaries to being just another jobless, hobby-less, moneyless, and sometimes friendless 21-year-old RM in the Provo-Orem area; as well as finally confronting my anxiety and loneliness, and the issues that caused them, all of which are things I had been sweeping under the carpet during my time as a missionary so I'd have more time to focus on more important things. 

I believe that in many ways my mission marked the beginning of my (so far admittedly short) adult life. It marked the beginning of me taking responsibility for my choices, my happiness, my emotions, and my abilities. It's hard to be an adult. As Oliver Queen, the crime-fighting Green Arrow's billionaire alter ego, heard from a Russian guy on a prison boat after he'd been shot in the side by their captors and then handed a first aid kit to patch himself up: "life is not for the weak." (If the voice in your head did not read that sentence with a strong Russian accent, go ahead and read over it again. You're missing out.) Sometimes I wonder how my attitude during my mission would've been different if I had realized what hardships lay in store for me after my mission. It seems like it would've been nice to know, at very least so that it wouldn't have been such a shock when it happened. At the same time, I'm not sure if that would've been good for me on my mission; looking forward to such a naive mental picture made it easier to grit my teeth and bear the pains of mission life. 

Thoughts?

Discovering that the Church Doesn't Actually Stifle Critical Thinking On Purpose

Today I had a couple good experiences asking people questions I have about the Church and getting answers. I’ll start by explaining a bit about my questions.

A confused person.

Since getting back from my mission and especially since coming back to BYU and studying engineering, I've tried to consider myself a science-oriented, rationally thinking human being. As a result I've become a bit more skeptical. This is also somewhat left over from my mission, during which I had many, many heated conversations with non-members about religious things, where all my beliefs were closely examined and called into question. I have questions about lots of different things, like evolution, homosexuality, feminism, polygamy, faith and reason, and so forth. Since none of these are typical sacrament meeting or Sunday school topics, I've tried to do some investigating on my own. For example, I read most of a book called Evolution vs. Creationism: an Introduction over the summer. That helped broaden my perspective quite a bit, and I feel more comfortable with the idea of God using the process of evolution to effect what may have been described figuratively to Moses as the Creation. However, none of the ideas I encountered in the book or in subsequent searching are definitely or obviously the correct, final answer to this or any other of my questions. 

Since I don’t have a ton of time to investigate all these questions I have, and I’m also not quite sure where to start, I started feeling a bit frustrated when I heard several times in the space of a couple weeks (in sacrament meeting and then in general conference) Church leaders saying things along the lines of: “There are some people that doubt and question their faith and fall off the boat of faith and spiritually drown. This is sad. If only they were more righteous. But we welcome honest questioning, as in, when people listen to us and stop asking ‘why’.” Okay, I exaggerated that a bit, but only to demonstrate that I was feeling a bit bitter. I felt bitter because I kept hearing Church leaders say “please! Ask us honest questions!” but not seeing them actually provide any opportunities to do so.

I’m in an elders quorum presidency, and sometimes in our meetings, our elders quorum president asks how we can help people that were mentioned in the ward council as having special concerns like feeling lonely or having doubts about the Church. I remember thinking that if they knew that I was feeling lonely (this was a couple weeks ago, that is, a couple weeks closer in time to when I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend) and that I had questions and doubts about the Church, they would focus on me in ward council and then I would finally get the help I needed. (The bitterness just goes on and on.) In other words, I wondered why I wasn't receiving active help from the Church organization. I felt like people just assumed that since I am an RM, and have a calling, and come to Church and to ward activities, that I am doing completely peachy and the biggest problems I have are choosing which of my many adoring female fans to marry, which of the adoring law schools to attend, and which of my adoring non-member friends to baptize.

While I was wallowing in self-pity and thinking about how awful my life is, I started writing down my thoughts into a furious rant. I complained that the Church leaders say they want to answer questions, but never give us any chances to do so. I was even going through all the existing venues where a member could possibly ask a question (such as in sacrament meeting or Sunday school) and systematically tearing to shreds the possibility of anyone hypothetically getting a personal, satisfying answer to their question. And I was really doing a great job at it too, until I got hung up trying to prove that home teaching was a terrible place to ask personal questions.

I tried to prove that because I felt, as of then, uncomfortable when I thought about asking my questions to my home teachers. I suppose that was because as of then we had only had superficial conversations since they had only visited me once and just given the standard home teachers' 5-minute vague summary of that month's Ensign's 1st Presidency message and left. But then I was thinking of how nice it would be to have my own little highly dedicated missionaries to research my questions for me, and I remembered that quote in PMG which says “Home teaching is just missionary work to the members of the Church!” So I realized I was wrong, and after that, the only way I could think of proving that I couldn’t ask questions in home teaching was that my home teachers are just stupid. Unfortunately, they’re not. So after seething a bit more because my frustration and feelings of being the victim weren't completely justified, I was convicted by my conscience, and by the lack of initiative I had taken in actually asking my questions in Church or making it known to anyone other than my journal readers (who are, as far as I’m aware, nonexistent) that I had questions and doubts about the Church, so I decided to ask one of my questions to my home teachers.

It turned out pretty well. Today was the last Sunday of the month, so everyone did their home teaching (myself included) and when my home teachers came over, right at the end of the visit, when they asked me if they could do anything to help me out, I surprised them with a doctrinal question. I said something like this: in science, critical thinking is king. Scientists value questioning the prevailing theories, running experiments, and then adjusting the theories to match the truth that they see in nature. However, in the Church it seems like the opposite. We are taught the truth and told to accept it, and then leaders and missionaries are trained to help people kind of “get over” their critical thinking and logical concerns with the Church, by focusing on growing their faith instead. So how come we focus on faith in the church instead of on critical thinking?

Before I write a bit about their responses, let me just say that if any of you have thoughts about how to answer this question, and time to tell me about it, I’d be happy to hear it in the comments below.

My first home teacher responded by talking about how faith is necessary because we can’t truly know or prove doctrinal things. He shared an experience from when he was at the Conference Center and he felt the Spirit strongly right at the moment when President Monson walked through the door, and how this was such a strong confirmation for him that he hasn’t really had reason to doubt his testimony of the Prophet since then. He also talked about small little experiences he’s had, which are hard to remember the details of, but this resonated with me because I can think of lots of times when a good thing has happened and I have felt like maybe that was arranged by God to help me out, because it sure did make my life easier. My second home teacher responded by talking about repentance and his experience with feeling his sins wiped away, and how this is hard to explain psychologically. (He’s a psychology major.) This also resonated with me because I also remember having good, clean feelings when I’ve repented in the past.

I felt quite a bit more satisfied after asking my question and having a decent discussion about it. And it’s not even that my home teachers had extraordinary or mind-blowingly enlightening answers, but the fact that I just got the question off my chest and that they had any answer to it at all.

A couple hours later, my home teaching companion and I went to visit our home teachee who I respect a lot. He’s a super smart Physics major and I've always assumed that he was the perfect Church member with 100% enthusiasm and no questions. For some crazy coincidence, he took the chance today during our home teaching visit with him to candidly express a concern about not receiving revelation as strongly as he did on his mission. It kind of morphed into a discussion about knowing the Church is true in general, and we had a good talk, about doubts and questions and faith. I felt like we could relate really well and I was super happy to be talking to another person that also loves science and critical thinking, and is strong in the Church, yet has similar doubts and concerns to mine.

Anyways. Today I had a great experience, and the moral of the story is, when active members of the Church have serious doubts or questions about the Church, home teaching is actually a good place to start asking these questions.

Questions for you:
1. Have you expressed personal concerns in an official Church situation? If so, how did it go?
2. How do you think the Church could help active members discuss legitimate questions?

Why on earth you'd want to be converted to Jesus Christ

This post is a transcript of a talk I gave in sacrament meeting.

My assigned topic today is "How do we know when we are truly converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ?" This is a pertinent question to those who already have a desire to become more converted to Christ. However, today, and hopefully under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I have chosen to speak about a question that I believe is more poignant (for myself and where I am in life, as well as) for people who are not in the Church, or not even Christian, or who don’t even believe in God; or, for those who are in the Church but are struggling with the question of whether following Christ is what they want to do with the rest of their lives.

It seems to me that in the Church we spend a lot of time talking about how we each have the huge responsibility of gaining a personal testimony and being converted to the Lord, and how this is really what we should do and is really important, but we don’t talk much about WHY. I for one took this question very much for granted at the beginning of my mission, and I think many of you can relate. There I was, a Utah Mormon boy thinking I’m off to conquer the world, and when an atheist asks me why in the world he would ever want to consider believing in God, I have no idea how to answer. I think it’s a hard question to address, especially when you’re on the spot. My goal today is to try to answer this question, at least, as much as I can in 10 minutes with my limited knowledge and experience.

The first reason that I can think of for WHY it is valuable to follow Jesus Christ and strive to be converted to His Gospel is that there are certain laws and principles found in the Gospel that if we follow them we’ll avoid pain and suffering. I’d like to illustrate this principle using a story:

Once upon a time, there was a village of people that lived happily in the middle of the mountains. (Let’s say, Hurricane, UT.) This village was near a very large cliff, and the children from the village loved to play outside near the edge of the cliff. Every once in a while, a kid would get too close to the cliff and fall down. Sometimes they died, sometimes they survived, but always with major injuries. After a while, the village council got together and decided they needed to do something about the situation. They decided to have a morgue car and an ambulance always stationed at the bottom of this cliff, so that whether the falling child was dead or injured, they would be ready with the correct response.

*The end*

The point of this story is to provoke in each of your minds the question, “Why on earth didn’t they just build a fence?!”

I like this story because at times we all view fences as restrictive of our freedom, but this story helps us see a situation when a fence is obviously beneficial. The Gospel of Jesus Christ puts up fences, or commandments, things we should and shouldn’t do, -- there’s the symbolism you were all waiting for -- and I, like any good missionary, would like to argue that these restrictions are for our benefit, in that they keep us from making short-sighted, destructive decisions. Here are a few examples of said decisions that I can think of off the top of my head:

1. Premarital sexual relations, which undermine Stability of Marriage and Family Life. In the culture of the world today, or at least the United States and Europe, it is culturally acceptable to have sexual relations with … anyone, as long as you’re both okay with it. Essentially all of us have these strong sexual desires that at times admittedly can be hard to control. However, scientific research plainly shows that people who, fulfilling their sexual desires, have premarital sexual relations with people other than the one they end up marrying, are significantly more likely to break off their first marriage. I know my dad’s parents divorced when he was pretty young, and it’s not an easy thing. I think it’s probably safe to claim that any given person would rather have one happy marriage throughout their lives rather than multiple marriages that are good for a while, and then end in divorce. So in this way, the law of chastity is a safeguard.
2. Addictions. One thing I learned, when discovering the “real world” on my mission, living outside of Happy Valley for essentially the first time, was that not everyone who drinks alcohol or smokes tobacco, is hopelessly addicted and a terrible person. [That was the impression I’d gotten while growing up from hearing over and over in Church the evils of substance abuse, and simultaneously living in Utah Valley and not actually having any close friends that smoked or drank or that weren’t, to my knowledge, active in the Church.] In fact, there are lots of people in the world that occasionally smoke or occasionally drink alcohol, and apparently suffer no long-term ill consequences. However there are also many people whose lives are significantly worse as a result. In the extreme, substance abuse can totally ruin a person’s life and split apart their family and possibly send them to jail, or the hospital, or death.

These are just 2 instances where the rules are obviously, scientifically beneficial. I’m sure there are many more, and in addition to that, the Lord has said “34 Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal; neither any man, nor the children of men; neither Adam, your father, whom I created.” Therefore we know that in addition to these visible temporal benefits we also receive spiritual benefits, for example, having the Spirit with us, as a good, comforting feeling; guidance in our daily lives; confidence that God is guiding us; satisfaction and the feeling that God is pleased with the course of our lives; as well as power to resist further temptation.

So I think the first reason why it’s so valuable to strive to be converted to the Lord is that following His commandments, we reap great temporal and spiritual benefits.

Another reason why to be converted, or a second way we can benefit from it, is taken from an essay I recently read called “Confessions of an Ex-Mormon.” When I saw this title I braced myself for jeering about the church, but The “confessions” are actually basically the ex-mormon’s confessions of how he actually really likes the Church, and in fact misses it. This essay was written during Mitt Romney’s campaign for president when tons of people were bashing Mormons all the time – the author had all but forgotten his Mormon roots but when people started such intense mockery, he started getting a little worked up and realized that it was important to him after all. 

Anyways, he talks in his essay about how in the Mormon Church he felt a sense of belonging, which can be often elusive to children growing up, or teenagers, or college students, or, I suspect, anybody else. I personally remember that when I was a deacon first passing the sacrament, I felt like I was a part of something, something big and important. I felt much the same when I was a missionary, and even now when I serve in my calling, or participate in class, or give a talk in church. 

PMG explains it thus: “We are all brothers and sisters in the family of God. This knowledge gives us a sense of identity and belonging. It gives us reason to hope for eternal life in God’s presence,” And this eternal life will be kind of like a big family reunion if you think about it. That’s kind of the ultimate sense of belonging we can feel. So the second reason why we should strive to be converted to the Lord is that it helps us feel a deep sense of identity and belonging.

The last major blessing I can think of is that God gives us strength and inspiration to do things we otherwise couldn’t accomplish. I certainly wouldn’t have lasted 2 years following incredibly strict rules and learning a completely foreign language, Latvian, if I didn’t truly believe that’s what God wanted me to do, and if I didn’t believe that He believed that I could do it. I think whether we’re outside or inside the church, there’s a temptation to beat ourselves up for our mistakes and think we’re never going to change, but the Gospel teaches us that we can change, and faith in God and Christ gives us the power to do so. And as much as I dislike hearing about the pioneers and how they died horrible deaths on their impossibly long journey through snow without shoes, it does prove that people with great faith can surmount seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

I’d also like to note that if we want to really retain our faith, it’s important to act on it and to follow the commandments. When we let the commandments slide, we lose little by little our confidence and our conviction that we actually still believe in the entity that gave us those commandments. I believe that’s one reason why God seems more distant when we let more commandments slip. So I would urge all of you to remember that when you decide to trust God’s commandments, your mind will automatically trust Him more in general; His promptings will seem clearer, the scriptures will seem truer, and you’ll be more able to keep a hopeful, eternal perspective.

I’d like to end with my testimony that I believe that everything I’ve said to you is true. I know a lot of the time we who have grown up in the Church kind of take our lives in the Church for granted; especially when we’re surrounded by other members. Therefore I’d like to invite you to consider in your own lives what concrete differences the Gospel makes; what effect your trust in God has on your well-being; and why you live the Gospel. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.