Considerate Collegestudent and his nemesis, Judgmental Jan

Early on in my mission, I felt pretty lost and overwhelmed, and I was frustrated that I felt like I had to guess how to handle each situation. I really looked up to the older missionaries who seemed to know just exactly how to handle difficult investigators. However, when I got to be companions with these missionaries and see them up close, and also when I became an older missionary myself and realized I had just as much experience as they did, I was disappointed to discover that they were still guessing at what to do a lot of the time.

One day this last October, when the leaves on the trees were colorful and the temperature was just right, I sat down on a bench in front of the ASB, looking out at campus, to ponder why in the world I tended to like people less the better I got to know them.

Me sitting and pondering

To me, this seemed to be a problem that, if unchecked, threatened to chip away at most every relationship in my life. I lacked a fundamental respect that it seemed each person ought to deserve just for being a person. After some minutes of introspection, I realized that when I first met a person, if I had a good first impression of them, it was because I tended to idealize them, seeing only the concept they seemed to embody. I failed to realize that they were real people too, with real weaknesses and real mistakes and real flaws.

It turns out that everybody is flawed. In writing, in film, and in performances, authors show a polished version of themselves. I was foolish enough to believe that was the real them. Some people who have worked and focused on one thing can develop that quality, skill, or ability, to be sure--enough that often, at first glance from an observer without such specialty, seems like perfection. A Ph.D. professor, a professional writer, a motivational speaker, a comedian, and many, many musicians, are a few people who have impressed me that way. The examples go on and on. I become aware of such people daily, whether meeting one in person and conversing, or reading their writing, or enjoying their music or joke track or food or even hearing about how calmly and collectedly they acted in a heated situation. However, each of these people, and each of us, are still fundamentally broken. (You probably already know that ... I somehow missed it.) Not one of the 7 billion of us is ideal or even has any perfect qualities, because we are all broken. Not just that we occasionally fall a tiny bit short, but that we constantly fall short.

There are some easy examples: we see in all the tabloids tales of celebrities and rock stars’ miserable home and family lives (although this clip from Wayne’s World presents a different view on a rock star’s outside-the-concert personality than the one we normally get). Einstein himself was so focused on his research that he rather neglected his wife and two sons. And of course people that aren't world-famous have similar challenges, too: the comedian can command resounding laughter when he’s on stage but he may be depressed about his life and unsure that he is fulfilling his life's mission or contributing what he should to the world. The innovative engineer makes bucketloads of money but doubts that his inventions, while lucrative, are truly what the world needs, rather than just what the rich ask for. The amazingly disciplined and organized mother of 9 may wonder if her children could've turned out even more successful if she'd just tried a little harder.

And not just people with attributes we may immediately identify as extraordinary, but normal people, average people, young people, unspectacular people, people who had no opportunities, people who squandered for decades and decades the opportunities they were given.  The RM may wonder if much of his effort was in vain; the college student may doubt his or her major. These people are a bit more obviously flawed. However, they are still inherently valuable. This realization is central to not being judgmental, and it’s the one I struggle perhaps the most with.

From a Church and Gospel standpoint, the clear and most often quoted reason that each person has value is that each person is a son or daughter of God. While this is true, it’s difficult for me to grasp and to apply to real life and real people, and plus, the Church has plenty of material elaborating on it. Therefore, for the rest of this essay I’ll focus on a different reason that each person is valuable, one that is a bit more personal to me.

Earlier I held that people were valuable insomuch as they had perceived potential to change the world. It became a problem for me to respect any person that I saw as "average" or incapable of meaningfully changing the world. Now it is my belief (which I’m still trying to cultivate and remind myself of as often as possible) that every person can and will change the world. 

That day in October, I mentally went through some examples of real people I knew, whose choices of profession I judgmentally thought was dumb, and thought about it further, and realized that each person is valid and will change the world. 

Note: If any of those people are reading this and are offended that I judgmentally thought their chosen profession was dumb, just keep in mind that I judgmentally thought my own chosen profession (computer engineering) was dumb too, so it’s really more a reflection of my judgmentalness than of your chosen profession’s validity. And plus, the whole point of this is that I don’t think it’s dumb anymore. So don’t worry.

I thought of my profession, and my classmates, and how sometimes it seems like the engineering we are training to do won’t do anything to further the world, it’ll just give the rich even sweeter, bigger, and faster iPhones while leaving the poor to rot in their caves, eating dog meat and texting on a flip phone without so much as T9 predictive typing to ease their pain. However, even if it seems like the rich are the only ones with the newest technology, new technology still benefits people at large; the population of the world in general is a lot better off than they were 50 years ago because of computers, radios, cell phones, video streaming, and anything else you can think of. And who’s to say the happiness of the rich doesn’t matter at all? I mean, it’s not the noblest goal I can think of, but it’s not nothing.

I thought of a person I had recently become friends with who is a pre-Journalism major and wants to ultimately write about music. I thought that sounded like a dumb goal but then thinking about it, this one was pretty obviously a good thing, and on top of that, had already impacted me personally. Music has been a huge part of my life for essentially my whole life, but when I got back from my mission, my pool of music to listen to had stagnated. I hadn’t listened to hardly any music for two years, and I wasn’t doing music at school so I didn’t really have friends to recommend me new music. The second time we ever hung out, this friend showed me a bunch of her music, and just like that, I'm back on track enjoying great music all the time. As a music critic, my friend will change the world by helping her readers, like she helped me, (re)discover the world of emotion and expression that is music.

I thought of a guy I met at an end-of-work celebration who seemed obnoxiously judgmental and somewhat defensive of himself; I think I annoyed him just by being myself, which was annoying to me. He’s a social work major and I was further annoyed that he seemed a bit full of himself because of this major. But as I thought about him and what he'll accomplish, I realized that regardless of his personality, America needs more people to help the social system, and he’ll do a lot of good and change the world for the people he helps. 

I tried to think about other people in general and what makes them inherently valuable. The great majority of people will be parents at some point in their lives, and parents change the world quite a bit. By definition, they give life. If they stick around and care about actually raising their kids, they'll help inspire and nurture them, and help them become contributing members of society. 

People who don't have kids or don't get married will have friends and family members to support and help and further. They'll also more than likely have careers or at least some type of job, through which they'll also help others, thus changing the world in some small, yet positive, way.

I'm Jan Bergeson, and I accept myself just as I am, that is, broken. I'm going to change the world. I accept others just the way they are, which is, broken. They're going to change the world too.

Until I can find a way to precisely quantify all the "good" a person has done and will do for others during their lifetime, I have no right to look down on them or think that I'm somehow better. Different, yes, but not better. I'm no better and no worse than any other person. If you're wondering, since sitting down on that bench and pondering this stuff, I've realized that if I think of people as real people, actual people, whose contributions to the world, although small, are positive and meaningful, then I like them and appreciate them. And as I get to know them better, I like them more instead of less. I think that's a victory. (One still in progress, I guess.)

What are your thoughts? How do you refrain from dismissing (judging) people?